Public Transportation + Why I Will be Having Conversations With my Pocketwatch in 20 Years

Here’s the deal: I take the bus. Everywhere. I live in a small city where everyone has a car, but I don’t drive. I also can’t afford a car even if I could. So I walk a long way, in cold Canadian weather, to get to the bus stop and wait. Because I’m cool like that.

Most people probably don’t think taking the bus is a big deal. I’m pretty sure in big cities, everybody takes public transit, and nobody blinks an eye. Here, in my small city where everybody knows everybody, only the poor folk, teenage mothers, and people who talk to their pocketwatches take public transit. And I’m one of them (poor, that is. Although talking to my pocketwatch, if I had one, might fend off some of the crazies).

I hate it. I hate waiting on busy streets and having people stare at me as they pass. I hate people I know recognizing me and pitying me, thinking, “Oh yeah, the poor girl, she doesn’t drive!” I hate sitting next to smelly fat men who discuss the intricacies of their pez collections. I hate drunk people, covered in blood, stagger on the bus and proclaim to each other, “Hey buddy, don’t touch anything on this bus, you might infect someone!” It wasn’t too long ago, in THIS COUNTRY, that somebody hacked off somebody else’s head with a knife whilst on a Greyhound bus. True story.

Here are my useful bus accessories that I must carry with me everyday in order to protect myself whilst on the bus:

• Oversized sunglasses. They are useful for disguising myself and looking cool at the same time.
• Cell phone. As soon as a crazy walks on and starts to talk to me, I pretend to be writing a novel comprised completely of text messages.
• Ipod and headphones. These are so I can ignore the crazies that try to hit on me.
• A large, oversized purse. This is to occupy the seat next to me so that nobody’s ass touches mine. Plus, it can be used as a weapon (the straps can be used to strangle someone, the body of the purse can be used to smack someone in the face, etc.) in case a crazy with a knife tries to decapitate me.
• Big floppy hat. This is to hide my hair and cover most of my head, so people don’t recognize me.
• Mitts/Gloves. It’s always cold where I live, so these definitely come in handy. Also, they protect me from “getting infected” as the drunk dudes say.

I shouldn’t really complain though. It’s a way to get around. And there aren’t as many crazies as there are in big cities, I’m sure. Like this guy.

Baby Showers: They Suck, Unless You Play Justin Bieber

I am not a fan of baby showers. Or really any kind of showers (bridal, golden, etc.). Or babies. So it’s just not a fun time for me.

A very close friend of mine – who I consider to be family – is preggers. I’m super excited for her, especially because she is going to be the BEST mom. She’s 16 years older than me, and kind of treated me like a mom when I was younger. And she did the COOLEST things with me. We would go camping, kayaking, hiking, skating, etc. I would sleepover at her house for fun movie nights and we would stay up super late. She would feed me sugared cereal in the morning. She’s also my Harry Potter partner in crime. By that I mean, we have been known to dress up as Harry Potter characters, make Harry Potter food, and have Harry Potter movie marathons. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. On top of that, she is just the most loving, kind, and caring person in the universe. And she looooves kids.

She’s been trying to have a kid for awhile, and I’m so happy she finally got preggers. And to top it off, she’s not an annoying pregnant person.

Annoying pregnant people can be defined by the following:

• They wear shirts that are way too small for their bellies, which makes you want to stare at their deformed, pokey-outer belly buttons and be revolted
• All they talk about is being pregnant
• They are gassy, psychotic because of “the hormones” and demanding
• They talk about uteruses (uteri?), cervixes (cervixi?) and other bodily things that we don’t need to hear about
• They rub their bellies incessantly to remind you that they’re pregnant

So, although I love this person to death, and she’s totally not an annoying pregnant person….I still couldn’t stand her baby shower.

First, there’s the annoying finger foods. I can understand if the shower is at like 2 or 3 pm, but when it’s scheduled around suppertime, I expect me some decent grub. Right? No mini sandwiches, carrot sticks, and teeny tiny meatballs. So, although I feel guilty about standing next to the food table and inhaling the spinach dip all day, it’s not really my fault.

Secondly, there’s the stupid dice game. I’m not sure if this is a universal shower game, or just something that my family/family’s friends do. Pretty much, you pass around a die, whilst sitting in a circle, and if you roll a 1 or a 6, you can grab a wrapped gift from the pile in the middle of the circle. After all the presents are officially taken, you can take presents from each other. It may sound like fun, but it’s really not. Not only does it take a very long time for the die to actually reach you in a big circle (and if you don’t roll a 1 or a 6, it’s very boring) but the presents are not even desirable. They are almost always from the dollar store or somebody’s “re-gift” box. I have received more cheap candles, dish cloths, and mugs than I’ll ever need. I used to re-gift these things but accidentally gave one back to the person who gave it to me. Whooops.

I’m sure you’ve experienced some other ridiculous baby shower games, like the “guess the baby picture” game. Urrgh. Most of the time, I can’t tell who anyone’s baby picture belongs to because the photos were shot in 1923 and are too grainy to make out. Other time-wasting games include the “guess the width of the baby bump” game and “let’s share graphic stories about births” game.

Finally, and most importantly, is the present opening. I, of course, think that moms-to-be need gifts, and should definitely open them in front of the gift givers. However, I don’t think this needs to take 2 hrs. At every baby shower I’ve been to, the mom passes each opened item around the circle for everyone to look at and go “oooh” and “ahhhh” over way too may times. I really don’t need to see 20 different bibs, or a breast pump, or diapers. I know what they look like. I’m sure they’re cute. I’m sure they will be covered in puke, breast milk, and poop, and be disposed of eventually, so I really don’t care.

As if you can’t tell, I’m not a big fan of babies. I don’t really have a desire to have any. But, if I do, my baby shower is going to be AWESOME. We are going to do the following:

• Eat a feast. I’ll be eating for two, and most of the middle-aged women in attendance will probably have food babies anyways.
• Have a dance party. We will play Justin Bieber’s “Baby” several times. That’s right. Because after the baby comes, I’ll be a boring old mother with no time to have fun. And hopefully, the strain of dancing might put me into premature labour, which means that the guests can go home early and be put our of their misery.
• Play a game of “who has the ugliest baby picture.” I’m sure everyone has a snotty, drooly, food covered picture of themselves as a baby.
• Buy the pregnant person (ME) naughty gifts. Because let’s face it, I’m sure my sex life will suck after I give birth (i.e. being sleep-deprived, having baby fat, etc.) and passing around a vibrator is probably much more exciting than passing around diaper rash cream.
• Ban children and babies from attending the baby shower. They are annoying.

So, there you have it. I’m not a baby hater – I enjoy looking at peoples’ babies every once and awhile – but I just don’t like baby showers. That isn’t a crime. 

I Spontaneously Planned my Life at 6AM Yesterday

So, after 5 years of university...I am officially done!!

Here’s the deal: There were so many ridiculous and funny stories that happened during my teaching placement that I wanted to share with you all. The thing is…I’m a very paranoid person. Maybe you’ve noticed. I was paranoid that if I somehow “bashed” the teaching profession, someone might find my blog and discover it was me, and report me for “unprofessional conduct.” Then I wouldn’t graduate. I’m serious: There’s a bunch of keener people in this program. The gossip of 2 months ago was that some guy said something slightly negative in class about his first teaching placement, and two girls in this class told on him to the principal at the school where he did his placement.. Last I heard, he was being kicked out of the program. EXACTLY.

Unfortunately, most of these funny stories have left my memory. I’m sure they will come back, and I will blog about them the minute that they do.

What you need to know about teaching is…You NEED to give teachers more credit. I certainly do. I had no clue about all the crap that teachers put up with daily. Seriously, they need to be paid more and have more holidays.

Also, you NEED to know that there are some really crappy teachers out there, and if you have kids in school, you should fear for their futures.

I’ve decided that I DO NOT want to be a teacher anymore. I can’t picture myself waking up every morning and loving what I do. Besides I do not want to do any of the following:

• Babysit
• Endure kids throwing insults and objects at me
• Be on the “supply teacher’s list” and hope I get a phone call to substitute teach + suck up to teachers + hand out business cards + hope that someone offers me a job
• Marking + coaching + volunteering + planning lessons every evening and weekend
• Make small talk in the staffroom with the other teachers 
•  Talk completely in acronyms (OCT, OSSTF, DRA, IEP, QECO, OSR, OSSTL…..ahhhh! You will not believe how many times I talked with teachers and pretended that I knew what their stupid acronyms meant!)

Besides these things, I really have no interest in things that teachers should. For example, students would show me work and go, “Look Ms., do you like this? Did I do a good job?” and it reaaaallly took a lot of effort for me to go, “Wow, that looks great!” Deep down I’m thinking, It looks like shit. I don’t care. When is lunch? I want to go home. If that’s not a sign, then I don’t know what is.

I woke up at 6 am yesterday, still in teacher mode, thinking, “I’m gonna be late for school!” Silly me. While I was up, however, I planned my life. Seriously. I had no clue what I was doing this coming year. Here’s the plan:

• Move in with one of my good friends next week (this was already decided months ago)
• Get a crappy job for a year that will allow me to pay rent, go out to karaoke once a week, and afford some Mr. Noodle
• Take some extra university courses in writing + get reference letters from profs
• Put together a writing portfolio + apply for a Masters degree in creative writing
• Audition for a part in the Rocky Horror Halloween show
• Read (I haven’t done this in FOREVER!)

I’m not sure if any of you actually care about these plans of mine (thanks for reading up to this point, if you do!), but it definitely feels good to put these plans down in writing. As much as I hate the crappy university that I went to for 5 years...I just can’t stay away. But this time, it will be better. I will be taking only one or two courses. They will be courses that I will actually like (which I hardly got the opportunity to experience before!) And if I’m technically “still in school,” I won’t feel like such a hobo. Woohoo.

Anyways, I’m excited to be a “grown-up” now! I’m excited to blog more! I’m excited to listen to David Bowie on vinyl continuously in my new apartment! I’m excited to read your blogs! I’m excited to be poor! Yay!