O frabjous day...callooh callay!!

Okay, so I officially have no more excuses. I've neglected my blog lately (I lost 1 follower....oh my!) but I really do have a good excuse. I was planning/hosting an Alice in Wonderland tea party, which I've been obsessed with forever. AND, I've been back to regular classes that are although easy, yet very time-consuming and tedious. The work they give us is ridiculously easy (i.e. "Describe in one page, the negative impact of bullying in schools") but they give us A LOT of it, which takes up tons of time. So, my goal this semester is to put in as little effort as possible. Many of my friends are approaching school this way too, because it's super easy to get good marks. And get this: Your marks from teacher's college don't count. It's true -- most principals/future employers don't look at them or care, and they don't count if you're applying for graduate studies. SO, hopefully, this will leave more time for blogging. Plus, when I'm poor and unemployed and will have to start paying for prescriptions/student loans/tubs of ice cream after I graduate in a few short months, I'll have plenty of time for blogging. Seriously. I won't be able to afford to go out, so I'll sit at home and blog. You'll be sick of me, I swear.

Anyways, Jennie at Well Shut the Front Door! awarded me with a Stylish Blogger Award (God knows why...) and I am super grateful/shocked. Thanks doll!! If you haven't read her blog... do it! She's super cool and has cute dogs and thinks certain fictional characters are hot. And if I knew her in real life, I'm sure we'd go to many a drag show together.

Apparently, this is what I have to do:

1) Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award
2) Share 7 things about yourself
3) Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers
4) Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award

Well.....I don't know if I know 15 recently discovered great bloggers (I haven't been reading many blogs lately, refer back to paragraph 1) who haven't received one yet, and I don't know if I can think of 7 things about me....but I'll try.....

I am giving this award to...

1) Jess @ not your average joan of archetypal patterns because she makes me laugh and pee.
2) Becs @ Stiletto Studio  because she inspired me to host an Alice in Wonderland party (after I saw her Tim Burton party pics) and because she makes amazing culinary creations...and I don't even like food blogs.

I also think I should post a link to Tom @ Tbr Tangential who has been reading and commenting on my blog since the beginning & who always has witty & insightful things to say. And he's British, so he deserves kudos for that alone.

Okay, 7 things (don't hate me if I've mentioned them before):

1) In grade 3, we had to use the word "screw" in a sentence in our English class. I wrote, "Screw you!" to my teacher. I didn't know what it meant. She was pissed and called my mom. My mom had to write an apology letter, saying, "K-money has a sense of humour. I'm terribly sorry."

2) When my parents lived in the country, a stray cat once wandered into our yard and gave birth to a head. Just a head.

3) I am not destined to play sports. I've broken my nose, toes, and bruised my ribs. I've fallen off chair-lifts, t-bars, monkey bars, gotten smacked in the face, knocked out, and once rolled down a ski hill.  There are many other minor embarrassments as well. This is why I used to "forget" my skates every time my class went on a skating trip in elementary school.

4) I really get into things....if that's the right term. I get really angry, really sad, really happy, really crazy, really excited, etc. I'm never just neutral or normal.

5) When I was younger, I memorized a song that teaches you to pronounce Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

which is a village in Wales that has one of the longest place names in the world. I would sing this song ALL THE TIME and drive people nuts.

6) One Christmas, I was super sick and puked 17 times in one day. My dad made me a certificate that congratulated me for that incredible feat. He framed it and put it on my bedroom wall.

7) I write ridiculous songs that I play & sing on the guitar when I'm slightly intoxicated. A few of my favourites are: "I've Got a Crush on My Professor," "My Town Sucks," "To The Jerk Whose Name Rhymes With Wayne and Starts with an 'Sh'" and "Life Sucks When You're the Third Wheel." One day, after I graduate and won't be afraid of showing my face on the Internet in fear that I'll get kicked out of my program, I'll perform one for you all.

Finally, here are some pics from my tea party.

It was one of the top 10 things on my bucket list. We drank tea and dressed up in Alice in Wonderland-ish costumes and then went to the bar in our ridiculous outfits and made everyone's heads turn. We went to both a super-redneck bar and and a super-preppy bar and peoples' reactions were priceless. At one point, I even had 3 top hats and a bouquet of flowers balanced on my head, with 2 drinks in hand, while dancing. Neither I nor the items tumbled over. Quite shocking.

Fever Sweats & Spice Girls

I am writing to you, at 5am, laying in my squeaky bed, covered in sweat. Yes, that's right. I have been sick/planning an Alice in Wonderland tea party/going back to regular classes, hence my lack of posting in the past while. However, I do believe this whole running-a-fever-all-night-and-having-to-go-to-class-in-three-hours-or-I-will-get-kicked-out-of-my-program is a divine intervention of some sort, in order to get me to post. So, here I am.

Today I'm going to talk to you about the obsession of mine that towers over all the other obsessions. As you've probably noticed, I do indeed get obsessed with things: Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, transvestite musicals, goats, etc. I'm sure there's some deep psychological reason why people get obsessed with things (I did learn about it in psych class, but brushed it off, of course!) That aside, when I was 9, the one thing that ruled my life, more than Pokemon cards or my parents, was SPICE GIRLS. Oh boring, you might think. Lots of girls (and some boys) were obsessed with them. BIG deal.


That's where you're wrong. You see, although all my friends/half the world went nuts for the Spice Girls, you could say that I easily could have been president of their fan club. Easily. I knew EVERYTHING about them. This came from Internet suddenly taking a huge role in our lives in the mid-90s, which accounted for my knowing how to use it better than my parents. Thanks for that, Spice Girls. I would research facts about them and quiz my friends relentlessly at school. I would also print off colour pictures of them (a pretty novel thing at the time too) and add them + my pages of Spice Girls facts to my giant Spice Girls binder. I would then bring this majestic binder to the playground, boss my friends around, and if they were particularly worthy, I would allow them to choose 1 coloured Spice Girls picture to keep. Crazy, I know.

Remember all the Spice Girls merchandise? Lollipops, stickerbooks, t-shirts, pencils, etc.? I had it all. I also had a Spice Girls birthday cake, which was pretty cool at the time too. Every inch of my walls in my bedroom were covered in Spice Girls -- Baby Spice was my favourite, followed by Ginger Spice. Obviously. Nobody liked Sporty Spice (because she had no boobs and talked with an accent that nobody could understand), Posh Spice (because she looked like a bitch), or Scary Spice (because she was hyper and made devil horns out of her hair). We had a Spice Girls impersonation group come to my small city one year, and I can remember feeling cheated, storming off half-way through, yelling, "Impostors! Baby Spice is soooo not taller than Sporty Spice!" I can still fondly remember the nights where my friend and I would sit in my parents bedroom with our handmade Spice Girls fan signs (computer paper taped to rulers), screaming while watching "Spice Girls: Live in Istanbul." We would sit on my parents' bed with our fan signs and pretend that we were actually in the audience. Adorable/nuts, eh?

Looking back, perhaps the most embarrassing event of the Spice Girls obsession was my school's spaghetti dinner. This happened once a year and the school's rec. centre, where families were invited to an all-you-can-eat dinner of questionable meatballs and entertainment. That's right, it was the students' job to entertain the parents onstage, while they were eating their dinner. To me, this translated to "moment where I can prove to the world how much of a Spice Girls fan I really am and get my big break." Although I couldn't be Baby Spice like I wanted (the head snob of our clique was awarded that title, I'm afraid), I got to be Ginger Spice, my second choice. I was so excited for this event -- I made my friends rehearse the dance moves to "Wannabe" relentlessly during recess. And I had gone over my solo lines of "Get your act together we could be just fine" and "If you really bug me then I'll say goodbye" complete with appropriate head turning and hand-waving many, many times.

Finally the big night had arrived. I had a sparkly shirt on, a la Ginger Spice style. After weeks of singing the song in my sleep, I was finally ready. While parents stuffed their faces with meatballs, my friends and I performed. But it was I who really performed. While my friends hardly danced to the song, I was the one who was totally into it. I had every dance move down perfectly; every "Zig-A-Zag Ah" leg crossing moment done to perfection. I'm sure my other friends just had stage fright. And after we finished, I, beaming, approached my Grade 5 crush, and asked, "How did I look?" and he said, "Giddy." I didn't know what that meant at the time, but I took it to mean, "Extremely Spice-Girls-like and awesome." I approached my parents, who with blank looks on their faces, grabbed their coats and whisked me away abruptly. It's only because they didn't want the other kids to hound me for autographs, I'm sure.

Shortly after, the Spice Girls broke up, which was a very sad day indeed. I remember sitting in my room, staring at the pictures of Gerry on the wall, wondering "Why could you do such a thing? Why?!?" My dad had just sat me down, and quite somberly explained that she had left the band. It was the end of my world as I knew it. The next day at school, all my friends immediately thought the Spice Girls were uncool. It was amazing, one day they were the centre of the universe, the next day they became as uncool as Aaron Carter. I still secretly went on loving the Spice Girls, however. I made a mix CD -- this was when Napster was in its prime -- that included both "Holler" and "Goodbye" by the four remaining Spice Girls. The head snob of our clique listened to the CD one day in class -- I forgot that it included those 2 songs -- and she exclaimed, "Spice Girls?!? Ewww! They are so totally uncool. Are you telling me that you still like them?" I responded with, "Oh, definitely no. My sister made me put them on the CD. She's soooooo weird." Good one, I know.

To this day, I'm still sad that they've broken up. Sure, they had a reunion tour that I would have gladly sold my limbs to attend (apparently selling body parts is against the law. Who knew?) Sure, most of them have babies and dress like moms, minus Victoria Beckham who dresses like streetwalker Barbie. Sure, none of them have done anything substantial since...Unless you count Mel C. who had some hits in the UK or something. Whatever. I still love them. When a Spice Girls song comes on, even an obscure one, I still know ALL the lyrics. It's very strange -- I have few memories of my childhood, and I have difficulty remembering what I had for breakfast, but I can sing the lyrics to any Spice Girls song. And as much as this is an oxymoron, one that feminists probably cringe at when they hear it coming from the Spice Girls' mouths, I must say: "Girl Power. Girl Power to all, and to all a goodnight."

My Observations on America & Getting Motorboated by a Stripper

I hope you guys are enjoying your holidays!! 

It's been a tradition in our family that after all the presents are opened, that the "kids" roll around in the wrapping paper and giggle profusely. Well, all of the kids in our family are grown up and moved away, so it's just myself and my older cousin who are left. It was very painful because the giant pile of wrapping paper also includes huge boxes, bags, staples, etc. 

How perfect is this picture, considering I'm paranoid about showing
my face until my teaching gig is done? Thank you tissue paper for
positioning yourself there. And thank you, uncle's questionable hand,
for looking like you're copping a feel.

The day after Christmas, Yentl, Yentl's boyfriend, Yentl's boyfriend's brother and I went on a mini-road trip to the closest American city, which is about 4 hours away -- 3 with Yentl's boyfriend's brother driving. We usually visit this city about 3 times a year because: a) They have a Victoria's Secret; b) The Canadian dollar has been almost at par with the American dollar since the recession, which means it's really cheap to shop there; and c) They have strange yet awesome American things like biscuits & gravy. They gave us a hard time going across the border, probably because we're four extremely good-looking and intimidating young people. They kept asking us trick questions like, "Are you visiting anyone?" and we'd reply with "no." Then a minute later, they'd ask, "Who are you visiting again?" Very sneaky.

I love traveling to the States for many reasons. Before I tell you why, you should know that I'm half-American. My Dad's side of the family is from Missouri. They (the only 3 that I've ever met, including my Dad) don't know how to ice-skate. They say things like "melk" instead of "milk." Fantastic. So, please know that I'm making fun of half of myself when I tell you why I love traveling to the States.

1) The Food

Last time we went, we spent $200 of groceries. This is because you can find everything flavoured everything that you can't get where we live. Like chocolate Cheerios. Whatever-you-want flavoured potato chips. Chex mix. Spray-on cheese in a bottle...yuck. My aunt always asks me to bring her back these ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING cracker sandwiches that you can't get at home. They consist of 2 fluorescent orange cheese crackers with fake peanut butter in the middle. I want to gag just looking at them. Also, the food items on the menu are quite interesting. You can get fried chicken sandwiches covered in white gravy for breakfast. Plus, the portions are HUGE. I know one can argue that it depends where you go, and that there are plenty of healthy restaurants across the USA, and that where we go is not representative of the whole country. But, the portion sizes really are HUGE. I always forget that most meals come with 3 or 4 sides, which are large, and that you usually get biscuits/breadsticks/whatever before meals. I love it!

2) The Drugstores, Politics, and Speech

You wouldn't think that there'd be many differences between the city where I live, and one that's only a couple hours away in a different country. But there are! There are Walgreen's (a drugstore that's open 24 hours I believe?) on every corner. Also, politics are a much bigger deal. When I visited this city 2 years ago, right before the Presidential election, there were signs on every front lawn. On street corners, I saw groups of Obama supporters with signs and megaphones, while cars were honking. Even now, 2 years later, when I flip on the news in the hotel room, it's always about politics. Additionally, I've been to lots of different States in my life, and the one thing that I always notice is that people very seldom say "you're welcome" if you say "thank you." Instead, people will often say "mmm hmmm" or "uh huh" or "yup." And don't get mad at me for saying that, because it's true. 

3) The General Cultural Differences

Thanksgiving is apparently a huge deal in the States, according to my Dad. Almost as important as Christmas, if not more so. And it happens in November, with a giant parade in some big city, with Santa at the end. My Dad said that his family would always eat apple pie with a slice of cheddar cheese on top for Thanksgiving. I'm not sure if that's an American thing, or just a gross family thing. The one important holiday for me, which seems to not be a big deal in the States, is Boxing Day (December 26th). Apparently it doesn't exist in the States. Instead they have "After Christmas Sales." Where I live, people line up as early as 4 AM on Boxing Day at certain stores to get ridiculous deals and free stuff. So, although there were some great "After Christmas Sales" where we went, there was nothing amazing. I kind of wish I would have stayed home for the shopping, actually. But I'm sure in awesome, bigger cities in the States, things are much different.

Speaking of shopping, one sales assistant asked me, "Do you even have a mall where you live?" (keep in mind the fact that my city is double the size of the city we were visiting). Oh, man.

And speaking of epic, ridiculous questions, I shall conclude this blog post with a short tale of our Boxing Day evening adventure. 

On Boxing Day evening, the four of us went out for a fancy dinner. Yentl and I wore our new dresses that we had just bought that day. Our food was amazing, and we were back at our hotel at 9:30. The boys were content to watch TV and eat chips (after just having eaten steak dinners...geesh!) but Yentl and I wanted to go out. The boys informed us that there would be nowhere to go on a Sunday night after Christmas, but Yentl and I were determined. The boys made us go into a gas station and awkwardly ask  2 older-aged women behind the counter where the closest strip club was (strip clubs are open all the time, right?!?) One of them told us that we'd have to drive to a small town about 15 mins away, in a different state, which is nuts. That's because the "good" strip club in the city where we were staying was closed. Also, it's nuts that you can go to a different State in 15 mins! She warned us though: "Only go to ______, because let me tell ya, the other strip club is filled with skanks!"

So, we drove. This small town turned out to be definitely sketchy. The strip club we went to was ten times more sketchy. Because it was a Sunday, there were only 3 other "gentlemen" in the club besides the 4 of us. The DJ, who was wearing the most epic flood pants I have ever seen, had a giant bucket perched on his podium with the words "DJ Tips" creepily scrawled across it. Who tips a DJ? I've never heard of that. Especially when said DJ plays Backstreet Boys with long periods of silence between song changes.

Okay, so I'm guessing you want to hear about the strippers. Well, there were two of them. The first one seemed quite nasty, and the second one seemed quite young and "new," shall I say? I got the impression that she hadn't been stripping for that long. I felt bad for both of them, because the 4 of us were sitting off to the side, which meant that they were forced to entertain the 3 gross old men that were left. They didn't take their bottoms off (which they do were I live) which I appreciated, because it just makes me uncomfortable. Plus, there's often a lot of glow-in-the-dark things usually happening down there on the strippers, that makes it hard to look away, trying to figure out the logistics of getting pierced in places one wouldn't expect to get pierced.

Anyways, after Yentl and I had a few drinks, we decided that we should at least say hello to the strippers because we had been there for so long and hadn't acknowledged their presence. Yentl's boyfriend & boyfriend's brother pretended to seem uninterested in the strippers the entire night, but encouraged us to go up to the front of the stage. At this point, the young-looking "new" stripper was dancing. Here is the conversation that ensued...

The stripper starts dancing. I hold up $5 because I feel like I should give her something (she must have had a difficult time making $$ that night), and because I didn't want to pay enough for any "services." She's dancing on the pole in front of us and then approaches us. Her face is definitely less pretty closer up.

Me: First of all, I love your shoes. (Stripper laughs). Second of all, what do you do to keep in shape? Besides the pole I mean. Your body is fantastic.

Stripper: (Makes her belly pudgy and slaps it). This? Ha, I'm not in shape. I do nothing!

Yentl: You're quite good on the pole.

Stripper: Oh, I can't actually do anything. I've only been doing it for 3 months.

Suddenly, one of the other men in the club comes over and looks at me, throwing a 20-dollar bill down right in front of her. 

Old Man: She won't do anything unless you give her 20 bucks.

Me: Oh, um, no thanks. I --

Suddenly, the stripper removes my glasses. Why is she doing that? I wonder. And before I know it, she shoves her boobs in my face, with the "motorboat" motion. 

Me: Oh, umm, that was enjoyable. Ummm...not really necessary, though.

Then, she does it to Yentl.

Yentl: Wow, they're so soft!

Me: Best part of the road trip.

Yentl: We're from ______. (The Stripper looks at us cluelessly). Ontario. (The stripper looks at us cluelessly again.) Canada?

Stripper: Oh, you're from Canada!

The old man is still standing next to me, staring at us.

Me: (To old man) This is a girls only zone.

Old Man: But you're in a gentleman's club. (Everyone laughs.)

Stripper: What cities are there in Canada?

Yentl: Montreal? Toronto? Edmonton?

Me: Vancouver? 

Stripper: Oh yeah, I've heard of Vancouver. Aren't you guys like really strict in Canada?

Me: Ummm, no? There's no Prop 8 (she looks at me cluelessly again). We can drink at a younger age...

Stripper: Right, you can drink at 18!

Yentl: Yeah, in some provinces. In most, it's 19.

Stripper: Yessssss! Wait -- I have to go dance again. I'll come back later!

We talked for a bit longer than what I wrote -- shopping, The Mall of America, shoes, etc. And when we came back to the table, the boys were so impressed. You should know that the boys are probably the two most polite, well-mannered men I've ever met. I've probably been to the strip club in town more than them, and they absolutely do not sit by the stage or even look at the strippers in an obvious way. But they were so impressed when we came back. "What did she say?" "Wow, k-money, you looked so relaxed, with your elbows resting on the stage and everything!" "What did she look like up close?" Yentl told them that "her boobs relaxed and weren't pointy anymore." Geesh. I looked at the stripper's face the entire time she was talking. Yentl, you're such a perv.

So, that was probably the highlight of my holiday: getting boobs smashed into my face. God bless America.