Monday, December 20, 2010

I Survived! And tales of Orlando Bloom.

I finished teaching gig #1! Although I had several things thrown at me -- computer keyboards, snowballs, insults, etc. -- I came out with minimal scars. As much as I wanted to blog & Christmas shop & make cookies, I spent this past week doing far more interesting things.

For the past 5 days, I have:

1) Sat on the couch
2) Knitted 5 scarves
3) Watched all of the Lord of the Rings extended editions + bonus material
4) Showered once

Have you ever listened to a song from your childhood/teenhood that you had forgotten about and suddenly remembered all the words? I felt the same way with LOTR. I was in love with them in the early 00s, and caught myself blurting out the lines along with the characters. Even the hobbit drinking songs. 

The one thing I think that I should mention, that played a huge part of my embarrassing life as a teenager, is Orlando Bloom. Legolas from Lord of the Rings. My obsession with him used to be almost as great as my obsession with David Bowie. You don't understand. My locker/binders/bathroom/Christmas cards were covered with his face. I had a birthday party for him when I was in grade 11. I made heart-shaped cookies with our initials in the center. I even made a giant Orlando man cookie, in the hope that people would fight over eating his crotch (nobody did, except me.) I even wrote Orlando love poems for the occasion and recited them to my hippie friends in the yearbook room. People came for the free cookies, but thought I was totally nuts. 

When I saw Orlando on the screen, things came flooding back to me. Facts about him. For example, I suddenly remembered that he lost his virginity at 14; that his favourite ice-cream flavour is mint chocolate chip; and that he broke his back while climbing a drain-pipe and falling. Just like the lyrics to a forgotten song, I found myself remembering facts and thinking, How do you remember these insignificant details? Even if you don't particularly like Orlando, you can't deny that Legolas is one of the best characters of LOTR. He utters ridiculous and intuitive lines like, "This forest is old. Very old. Full of memory" and "I feel a shadow and a threat growing on my mind." Ohhhhhhhh. Very deep. 

"I don't think I heard you properly. You made a cookie of me just so you could eat my cookie crotch?"
Here's to you, Orlando. I still have your autographed pictures in a box somewhere. Although I used to practice my signature with a "Bloom" at the end, I think it's great that you married someone, even if I think you could have done better than a Victoria's Secret model. Although you haven't done anything substantial since Pirates of the Caribbean, it's great that you've taken some time off the do theatre, or whatever. 

Now that this past week is over, I have lots to do. I have to catch up on all your blogs! I have to buy and wrap presents. I also have to make Christmas cookies. Maybe I'll make an Orlando one for old times sake...


  1. Well congrats on surviving your teaching gig! Now I am sure those nightmares about your kids in class will subside...take it easy...don't let them too close...they are after your soul!

  2. congrats on your survival!!!!
    orlando could still come to his senses about his underwear model wife... then you could swoop in with orlando shaped cookies and win him over! :)

  3. On the bright side at least you crushed on Orlando Bloom, I crushed on Elijah Wood. And to be honest sometimes he looks like one of those Russian crazy people with the freaky blue-eyes and beard.

    Also Christmas cookies rock.

  4. Yay! You're done!! Nothing says "vacation" like couch sitting and sporadic showering...Happy Christmas break! Knitting 5 scarves is pretty bad-ass too. I'm impressed.

  5. I couldn't stand Legolas because his eyebrows didn't match his hair. I was all about Aragorn, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Is that even his name? Haha!

    Anyway, Congrats on finishing a horrible teaching job. I don't mean you were horrible. I mean the job :)

  6. I recently undertook a LOTR marathon with N and my brother. We each chose a number between 1 and 10 - I chose 9 which meant that the 9th line from that point would sum up my life. It was Frodo saying 'Sam! I'm cold and naked in the dark!' or something. I wasn't happy.

    You had a much more productive run-up to Christmas than I did!

  7. TbR - Oh Lord. But in all honesty, you do have to laugh at the fact that out of ALL the lines in the movie, you got that one. At least it's better than Gollum saying, "The fat one wants it." I'd be pissed about that.