Wednesday, December 8, 2010

What I've Learned This (Half) Week # 3

I can't wait until this whole teacher gig is done....then I can actually post pictures and NOT cut them off at eye level (or cover my face with a picture/facemask/someone's ass), as you've probably noticed is what I do. I've always been a paranoid person -- not in a schizophrenic sense, where I think the government is out to get me -- but in a sense that I will be busted for something I say. I'm TERRIFIED that someone will somehow, miraculously, find this blog by chance (although the odds are obviously 1 in a million) and this person will end up being a colleague. And BAAAM, I don't graduate and BAAAM I'm accused of "professional misconduct" for having a blog that contains swears and/or transvestites and/or details of how I provided evil students with poo-infested pencil crayons. And because I'm paranoid, I'm the worst gossiper. Sure, I can gossip anyone's ear off, but it has to be done:

a) in an enclosed space, like a car or jail cell
b) via text message (after I triple check that I've sent it to the right person, of course)
c) secretly -- i.e. I refer to the person I am gossiping about in code, and refuse to make eye contact with him/her if he/she is nearby

What I really mean to say is: gossiping is bad. Don't do it, kiddies.

Now that that's out of the way, here's some things I have learned this (half) week:

1) Twisted Sister's Christmas Album is THE BEST Holiday Music
Remember Twisted Sister, the terrifying & wonderful 2-hit wonder of the 80s? I got hooked on their Christmas album, A Twisted Christmas, last year. I have now given it the title of "Best Christmas Album Ever Besides A Few Other Good Ones." This is why:

Doesn't this song sound uncannily like their smash hit, "We're Not Gonna Take It"? They also have an amazing version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas," so aptly re-titled "Heavy Metal Christmas." Instead of "a partridge in a pear tree," it's "a tattoo of Ozzy." Instead of "five golden rings," it's "five skull earrings." And most importantly, instead of "nine ladies dancing," it's "nine tattered t-shirts." By eliminating the spectacle of ladies dancing, this song is clearly feminist. Revolutionary. Ground-breaking. Pure genius.

2) Bringing Jack Daniels-Filled Chocolates to Class Will Not Make You Cool
The grade nines think they can get drunk on these. It reminds me of the time I had some friends over and I made alcohol-free punch. We were 16, I think, and they begged me to put alcohol in it. I told them I did (I didn't!) The fake drunken shenanigans were great. Placebo effect, anyone? They emptied the punch bowl, and when I refilled it, I actually added booze. But nobody touched it because "it tastes gross." These things don't really have anything to do with one another besides the fact that young teenagers are dumb when it comes to drunkenness. But that's old news.

3) I Have Horrible/Cool Pants That Could Rival The Hammer Pants
That's right, I said. I found this baby tucked away at the back of my dresser. In Grade 12, I paid to have a seamstress sew all these ridiculous patches on my pants (in a careless, splattered way to look like I didn't care, of course). I wore them for a day -- and got so many confused glances -- that I shoved them away and never looked at them again. Until recently. Not only am I shocked at the things I once found cool (Blink 182, Care Bears, and patches for swimming achievement) but I am shocked at how tiny these jeans are. It would be a freakin' miracle if I could fit one leg into these pants now.

They do go longer, but there's a patch that reveals where I live. And then, for sure for sure, potential colleagues could read this and KNOW where I live and then bust me for professional misconduct. So, sorry!
That's right, these pants will be vintage someday. Although I am planning on having cats, not kids, I'm sure teenagers of the future will be dying to get their hands on these. I scold my mom for getting rid of her bellbottoms & platforms of the 70s, so I've learned that clothing from the past can become cool again someday (platforms + Spicegirls anyone? Very cool.) But the only way that I see myself having children in the future is if these men mix their sperm in a turkey baster for me...
The Canadian Tenors -- the Canadian version of Il Divo. Go ahead, laugh. But I saw them in concert and they made my soul melt. In a good way.

If I could travel back in time and Tim Curry could let me "see what's on the slab."

Never mind, I don't have a shot.


  1. Gossiping is fun! I agree with you about the paranoia of gossiping. It's like you know the person(s) that you are talking about can hear you or know what your talking about even if you are doing it in code!

    Those pants are awesome by the way!

  2. You put your swimming patches on pants?!? AMAZING!!! I just loved getting those!!
    I'm developing quite the hetero-online-somewhat-anonymous crush on you ;).

  3. I remember in the sixth grade asking all my aunts if they had any platforms left over from the 70s so I could look like a spice girl. I love your pants, you should definitely hold onto them.

  4. I'm happy you guys like the pants!! It will make up for the high school humiliation I faced because of them.

    And Jennie, the feeling is mutual. Muah! (In a non-creepy way...)

  5. Whatever you do, don't get rid of those pants! They're like a blue jean scrapbook. They're amazing!!!

  6. okay, those pants are, in a word, amazing!
    also? i love tim curry.