Baby Showers: They Suck, Unless You Play Justin Bieber

I am not a fan of baby showers. Or really any kind of showers (bridal, golden, etc.). Or babies. So it’s just not a fun time for me.

A very close friend of mine – who I consider to be family – is preggers. I’m super excited for her, especially because she is going to be the BEST mom. She’s 16 years older than me, and kind of treated me like a mom when I was younger. And she did the COOLEST things with me. We would go camping, kayaking, hiking, skating, etc. I would sleepover at her house for fun movie nights and we would stay up super late. She would feed me sugared cereal in the morning. She’s also my Harry Potter partner in crime. By that I mean, we have been known to dress up as Harry Potter characters, make Harry Potter food, and have Harry Potter movie marathons. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. On top of that, she is just the most loving, kind, and caring person in the universe. And she looooves kids.

She’s been trying to have a kid for awhile, and I’m so happy she finally got preggers. And to top it off, she’s not an annoying pregnant person.

Annoying pregnant people can be defined by the following:

• They wear shirts that are way too small for their bellies, which makes you want to stare at their deformed, pokey-outer belly buttons and be revolted
• All they talk about is being pregnant
• They are gassy, psychotic because of “the hormones” and demanding
• They talk about uteruses (uteri?), cervixes (cervixi?) and other bodily things that we don’t need to hear about
• They rub their bellies incessantly to remind you that they’re pregnant

So, although I love this person to death, and she’s totally not an annoying pregnant person….I still couldn’t stand her baby shower.

First, there’s the annoying finger foods. I can understand if the shower is at like 2 or 3 pm, but when it’s scheduled around suppertime, I expect me some decent grub. Right? No mini sandwiches, carrot sticks, and teeny tiny meatballs. So, although I feel guilty about standing next to the food table and inhaling the spinach dip all day, it’s not really my fault.

Secondly, there’s the stupid dice game. I’m not sure if this is a universal shower game, or just something that my family/family’s friends do. Pretty much, you pass around a die, whilst sitting in a circle, and if you roll a 1 or a 6, you can grab a wrapped gift from the pile in the middle of the circle. After all the presents are officially taken, you can take presents from each other. It may sound like fun, but it’s really not. Not only does it take a very long time for the die to actually reach you in a big circle (and if you don’t roll a 1 or a 6, it’s very boring) but the presents are not even desirable. They are almost always from the dollar store or somebody’s “re-gift” box. I have received more cheap candles, dish cloths, and mugs than I’ll ever need. I used to re-gift these things but accidentally gave one back to the person who gave it to me. Whooops.

I’m sure you’ve experienced some other ridiculous baby shower games, like the “guess the baby picture” game. Urrgh. Most of the time, I can’t tell who anyone’s baby picture belongs to because the photos were shot in 1923 and are too grainy to make out. Other time-wasting games include the “guess the width of the baby bump” game and “let’s share graphic stories about births” game.

Finally, and most importantly, is the present opening. I, of course, think that moms-to-be need gifts, and should definitely open them in front of the gift givers. However, I don’t think this needs to take 2 hrs. At every baby shower I’ve been to, the mom passes each opened item around the circle for everyone to look at and go “oooh” and “ahhhh” over way too may times. I really don’t need to see 20 different bibs, or a breast pump, or diapers. I know what they look like. I’m sure they’re cute. I’m sure they will be covered in puke, breast milk, and poop, and be disposed of eventually, so I really don’t care.

As if you can’t tell, I’m not a big fan of babies. I don’t really have a desire to have any. But, if I do, my baby shower is going to be AWESOME. We are going to do the following:

• Eat a feast. I’ll be eating for two, and most of the middle-aged women in attendance will probably have food babies anyways.
• Have a dance party. We will play Justin Bieber’s “Baby” several times. That’s right. Because after the baby comes, I’ll be a boring old mother with no time to have fun. And hopefully, the strain of dancing might put me into premature labour, which means that the guests can go home early and be put our of their misery.
• Play a game of “who has the ugliest baby picture.” I’m sure everyone has a snotty, drooly, food covered picture of themselves as a baby.
• Buy the pregnant person (ME) naughty gifts. Because let’s face it, I’m sure my sex life will suck after I give birth (i.e. being sleep-deprived, having baby fat, etc.) and passing around a vibrator is probably much more exciting than passing around diaper rash cream.
• Ban children and babies from attending the baby shower. They are annoying.

So, there you have it. I’m not a baby hater – I enjoy looking at peoples’ babies every once and awhile – but I just don’t like baby showers. That isn’t a crime.